Surrender.

Last night, I had several dreams in which God spoke to me. The one I'm sharing now is one of the last one's I had before awakening.

In the dream, I had asked God to speak to me and through me. Which he did; but in a way I did not anticipate. First from within me I felt shouting; a shouting I held back. Then I heard a silent voice tell me to stop holding back. So, I yielded--and the shouting burst out and the voice of God shouted from within me. The shouting then subsided and then he said "you have hated me."

This was very jarring. To hear God tell me that I have hated him--it took be aback. It frankly was scary to hear. Then he said it again; and I yielded. I woke up immediately. As I went to the restroom, I heard him explain what he meant:

"I have commanded you to love me with all your heart, all your mind, and all your strength. But you have held back, and so you have hated me. Your love is to be total, I asked you to yield everything and you have held back. Because you have held back, you have hated me. Stop holding back, love me--totally."

I've sat with this all day. I must say, that everything I've posted here on this website is quite significant in its consequences and meaning and that it frankly is a large burden. I have doubted myself often, and have checked and re-checked what is written, the dates, the convergences and chronologies against scripture over and over again. Today I realised that this represents unbelief on my part, and this unbelief has held me back from yielding fully to God and the ministry that he has called me to.

I share this here to say that God chastised me about myself, and this may be of use to you the reader. Secondly, I battle with unbelief too; and my prayer is that with God's aid I will overcome it. Thirdly, I am choosing to yield to him--and I don't fully know what that means for the rest of my life. But that's what he's asked me to do, and to be accountable--I'm writing it here now as a memorial and witness of what he has told me.